The Prairie Spy

Alan “Lindy” Linda

Every few years, a new device that is a “guaranteed unbelievable breakthrough in energy savings” comes along.

Back in the sixties, a “new breakthrough in the dynamic viscosity of hydraulics” was the latest heating “discovery.” This device, which as I remember weighed quite a bit, like around 30 or 40 pounds, bragged about how, while Joe the Inventor was playing around with oil pumps and electric motors, he happened upon the nearly miraculous ability of the two when put together to put out more heat than ever before seen. It seemed too good to be true. Surprise, surprise!  It in fact was, but that didn’t stop people from paying a high price for it. 

And, when the truth of it began to seep into their consciousness, lying to their friend about how great it was. The entire country turned into one large pyramid boondoggle, built on individual refusals to admit their foolishness. (Ah, boy. How great it is to be human, dependent upon their fellow man.)

Then came the oil embargo of the seventies. The Arab countries restricted their oil output, and folks went into  panic. The resulting over-reaction triggered a stock-piling by the consumer that caused the gas shortage to worsen and heating fuel prices to soar. An unvented oil heater that had up until then been sold only to folks who lived on boats hit the market. A lot of you will remember the brand name—Kerosun. “100 percent efficient,” said the marketing literature. And by the rules regarding combustion–there was no chimney loss to the outside–it was 100 percent.

This “new breakthrough in home heating efficiency” was, well, kind of a breakthrough, in a way, if one was referring to marketing a device that had up until then been used primarily on boats, due to the fact that when they came out in the thirties, these unvented oil heaters stunk and sooted home owners out of their house.

Kerosun tweaked up the burning temperature, got rid of the smell, and made a fortune. You could heat one room of your house, the furnace didn’t run, it truthfully did put 100 percent of its output into your home–no chimney, remember–up to the point where, at the end of the winter, you took a picture off the wall and found out your walls were  covered with soot. As I said, up to that point, everyone bragged about them.

And the 80s? Magnets on your car’s gas line! Unbelievable? Yup. But if you asked someone how they worked–no one wants to not be getting better than the neighbor who told them about it. Right? (Mine almost doubled my mileage. I swear.)

Years later, with energy costs on everyone’s minds, along comes a couple of different electric heaters, which may or may not use quartz elements that may or may not emit infrared heat, and may or may not combine some sort of air filtration in with the device.  Advertising touted these heating devices as the best thing since sliced bread.

“NO CARBON MONOXIDE,” says the literature. Of course not. Carbon monoxide only comes from burning–remember Kerosun heaters–fossil fuels, such as natural gas, LP, or oil. These were electric.

“THIS ADVANCED HEATER WAS DISCOVERED BY “JOE” THE INVENTOR,” says the literature. Of course it was. That Joe! He’s a busy guy. Someone put this particular combination together. 

“USES LESS ENERGY TO CREATE HEAT THAN OTHER SOURCES,” says the literature. What other sources? In which part of the world? This is an electric device. You pay the electric company for a kilowatt, you get 100% of the energy that flows out of your outlet. No more; no less. Is your electricity cheaper than other sources? Maybe cheaper than some, but definitely not cheaper than all of them.

One of these devices states that “cured copper” is the real reason this thing works so well. Cured copper? I thought they said it used quartz crystals, which when excited by electricity, emit heat? Cured copper? You can anneal copper, but that doesn’t do anything except make it softer. You can’t do much else with it. Plus this particular heater they’re talking about here only weighs 11 pounds. 

You want a great source of infrared heat? Put a couple of bricks in the oven and warm them up. Do they feel warm to the touch? You bet. That’s heat by conduction. Can you feel the heat they’re putting out if you put your face close to them? Sure. That’s infrared and ultraviolet heat, a form of radiant heat, same as the sun. If a fan blows over them, does the air feel warm? Sure, that’s heating by convection, or air.

No matter what electrical device you plug into your outlet, you will never get more heat out of it than you pay in for. (Not to confuse the issue here, but heat pumps and heat pumps alone are the exception to this rule. They don’t make heat; they move it.) 

Can you save money with an electric heater? Sure. Heat the room you’re in and let the other rooms get colder.

Any electric heater will do that, at any cost, high or low. 

Now the Internet is filled with ads featuring Elon Musk selling a device that is guaranteed to cut your electricity bill by 89 percent! (Doesn’t he have enough money?) And you can hold it in one hand! Simply plug it into an outlet. Unbelievable!

“Unbelievable” is the only word in that ad that is guaranteed to be true.

And Joe the Inventor is back at it, with a plug-in Turbo Jet Engine model.

Just go fill yourselves a hot water bottle, and put your feet on it while you’re watching tv. Turn the thermostat down. Just about nothing stores heat better than water. (An odd fact: potatoes store more.)