The Prairie Spy

Alan “Lindy” Linda

I’ve written about some of the fun stuff I’ve found in my life. But a lot of the best stuff?  That is stuff I’ve found while on my daily walk down the road. A while ago, while walking along the road, I found a partially torn up letter.  

Hmmmm. I pieced and puzzled the ripped and flayed pieces together as best I could. It turned out to be a Dear John letter, in which some P.O.-ed and very upset female was listing all the reasons that “John” was no longer going to be around. She was dumping him. 

Parts of the letter were there. Thus, it was now all up to me to fill in the blanks.

One sentence began: This isn’t …..” 

Hmmmm. How about: “This isn’t about whether or not you’re a  jerk because you give jerks a good name.” Perhaps then it would have said: “It wasn’t enough that you were kissing that cow under the bleachers at the football game! And now? You hit on my sister? I hope you take a long walk off a short cliff!”

How about: “This isn’t… about the spankings! I hate you hate you hate you.”

Another scrap began: I really…..

How about: “I really think that what you need is an old-style up-the-nose lobotomy with a rusty ice pick!” (Whoa, now, Prairie Spy–you’re getting pretty creative, guy.)

Hmmmm. How about: “I really cannot stand another day of being around someone who smells like you do.” Here she might go on to compare and contrast his B.O. and the hog pen he must have come from.

How about: “I really didn’t believe that any human being could drink as much as you do and still walk and talk.” Then she might go on to how he thought she was a deer late one dark night and he tried to run over her with his old “deer killer” truck. (I guess he missed.)

How about: “I really thought that you and my dad would get along, and you would have if you hadn’t stolen his pickup truck.”

How about: “I really don’t know why you don’t wear underwear…”

And yet another began: “One of…”

How about: “One of the things that I cannot stand about you is how when you bend over, your pants are so low that the world can see your butt.

Some of the sentences started with: “I thought….”

How about: “I thought you liked John Deere tractors, and now I find out you were lying, and you like Allis Chalmers! We can never be together!”

How about: “I thought you were kidding when you said you never wear underwear. What if we have a car accident or something?”

Another sentence started: “Why don’t…..”

How about: “Why don’t you take a long walk off a short cliff.”

How about: “Why don’t you give yourself a colonoscopy with a John Deere combine sickle bar.”

( I think she’s a farmer’s daughter.)

Aren’t those great beginnings? I’ll leave it to you to finish them off. Poor John. Or whatever his name was.