The Prairie Spy

Alan “Lindy” Linda

There’s a lot of focus lately on immigration, and although mostly it’s about the USA-Mexican border, I think maybe there’s something  there for us here in Minnesota, too. Specifically, I think there should be a better process to determine whether or not someone from some other states can survive here in Minnesota with us.

Therefore I propose a four-week basic training session for people thinking about moving in. There will be several parts to this training.

First, there’ll be the wood tick hell week. Wood tick hell week is first, because if they can’t stand these nasty little buggers, they might as well not put themselves through any more agony. During WTHW, they’ll be taught how to search and destroy wood ticks. (The U.S. Marines have a similar program, at least, the search and destroy part.)

Lengthy sessions will involve not only finding ticks on themselves and finding them on dogs, but also the proper etiquette for telling someone you don’t know but have just met on the street that they have a wood tick crawling around on their face. Phrases such as: “Say, is that a wart on your nose” will be discouraged. Lifting up your own shirt and screaming: “Help me! Help me! I think there’s a wood tick on my naval!” will also be frowned upon.

The final test for this week will be to see if you can sit through a boring sermon in church while a wood tick is creeping around in your underwear. If so, you will be, as we say here, “good to go.”

If you survive this week, next it’s deer fly time, and some fun competition. After some introduction sessions and some minor exposure, you’ll be placed in a room full of hungry deer flies and required to play Texas Hold’em with your own money, against several other Minnesota wannabees. Deer flies will be batting you in the head, eyes, ears, and in general swarming around like bees on a basswood tree while you try to concentrate. If you cannot concentrate while it feels like your head is being attacked by multiple buzz saws, you might as well find out early while you can still get back to where ever you came from.

Only the top three money finishers will be considered stalwart enough to be allowed residency. The nice thing about this phase is that people will come in with extra money. You know, for mosquito repellent and stuff.

Since it seems like we have a lot of dry-land rookies coming up here and contaminating our lakes by senselessly drowning in them, the third week will concentrate on boating. First up here will be an IQ test, which will focus on whether or not you’re too stupid to understand what life jackets are for. Or too stupid to put them on.

Probably half the immigrants will flunk our right there. Those that do not will be passed on to the drunk and drowning sessions, part of which—the drunk part—will be pretty fun. The other part? Well, heck. So sorry. No refunds, of course.

The final part of water week will involve canoes, which immigrants connect to Indians and French Traders and all kinds of romantic ideas about how fun these things must be. The various training here will teach contestants why an all-metal canoe will not float, and how people conked on the head by a capsized canoe without of course a life jacket on in rough water won’t either. Although the “elimination” part of this would get a no-pass violence rating from Prime Time TV, it actually would be no more horrible than watching the Minnesota Vikings be mauled every Sunday.

The final competition this week will have people stand up in a canoe while counting Loon babies with binoculars. Did they put on the life preservers that were in the bottom of the canoe?

Or not.

The final week? Actually, there isn’t one. It’s doubtful that anyone will make it that far.