The Prairie Spy
Alan “Lindy” Linda

The English language, about which I have written intensely, never fails to enchant me, especially up here on the northern end of the great rural American prairie. That’s because, around here, you have to stay alert for Finnglish, which is a hybrid cross between English and Finnish that is heard quite often. (Less now. Those old timers have left us, and everyone else didn’t get it that language like this is neat.)

Before those of you with Finnish roots gets his or her knickers bunched up about how the Finnish live in Finland and not here, yes. I know. Nonetheless, a good Finnlander can live in either place. It is, after all, much easier to say “Finnlander” than it is to say “someone of Finnish language-speaking origins.” English is about easier, which is why all is welcome in this language.

On the other hand, speaking true “Finnlander” isn’t easy. So in case you visit around here and need to understand the spoken dialect, I’ve compiled a dictionary to help foreigners—anyone from some other town—understand the spoken words.

To truly speak Finnlander, please remember that p’s, b’s, t’s, and w’s and v’s can at random be used interchangeably, one for the other. Also, the first syllable of all Finnish words must be emphasized and drawn out and given great respect.

Here are some of the words I’ve learned:

Cawfiah: (caaaa!-fiah) Local hot drink, used as a tranquilizer and mood leveler. To drink it properly, it must be first poured into a saucer. Then, the drinker must take one sugar cube and insert it in his or her mouth, through which the first swallow is filtered, after which the sugar cube is swallowed. Spilling is prohibited under the waste not want not proverb.

Furthermore, caaaaaaa-fiah is a lie serum in some locations, as in the local restaurant, where no one who consumes it can utter a whole truth, tranquilized to the gills as they are, usually. The good news is that everyone else is just as tranked, so no one cares about the truth.

Line: What cafiah often makes you do. Example: Ole is line now, and he’s been line just about his entire life, especially when he drinks cafia.

Noose: Something just told to you that you didn’t know a minute ago, probably by some one with whom you were drinking tranquilizers, as in, no noose is good noose.

Wetter: Also pronounced “wedder,” and sometimes “weffer.” Wedder is what’s happening outside, meteorologically. For example, the wedder today is cloudy with a chance of rain, waitress, bring us another round of cafia.

Swatter: A machine used by Finnlander farmers for putting hay and grain in a windrow. In other parts of the world, this is called a swather. It cannot be used when the vedder is raining, or during cafia breaks.

Wary: An adverb indicating an extreme something. For example, this cafia is wary good. Or, when it’s forty below in the winter, the vedder is wary cold.

Bat: Opposite of good, as in, bat vedder.

Verse: To become more batter, as in, the vedder is verse now than it vas a vhile ago. Fooey!

Bret: Something from which you make a sannich.

Sannich: Two slices of bret. Makes a wery good sannich.

Budder: What you put on a sannich.

Letter: What your boots are made of.

Prick: A small building block made of hard clay. Since most small town’s structures are built with these things, descriptions of buildings are often misinterpreted as character dispersions, and foreigners should avoid talking about them, lest the natives think you’re talking about them. Let pricks be pricks, I always say.

I was in the hardware store one day and an elderly Finnish lady walked in, came up to me, and asked if I had any flatlights. She had quite a lisp on the “f” sound, I noticed, but I shook off the spray and led her over to a display of fluorescent lights that are flat and fasten up over the kitchen sink.

“No!” she strongly spat, and I was glad she was short. I took that blast of saliva pretty much in the chest, and led her over to the outdoor section, where some more flattish camping lamps were located.

“No!” Once again she lisped, repeating the word “Flatlite! Flatlite!” Then she stomped out.

Someone else came in immediately after she left and asked me: “Did Sadie find a flashlight she was happy with?”

Oh. Um. No.

One should always learn the native language.

I looked at him and asked, “Cafia?”

And across the street to the restaurant we went.