The Prairie Spy

Alan “Lindy” Linda

As this particular bit of my experience in human relationships unfolds, it occurs to me that you may be interested in knowing that I’ve met Someone.

And, in the terms used by acquaintances to somewhat properly describe what is going on between us, we’ve become An Item.

No. This Someone’s not a new appliance. That should be explicitly pointed out, due to my past affinity with The Appliance Group, a motley assortment of those Machines in my home that insist on pointing out my inadequacies on a day-by-day drama. Me and my Appliances is a drama that more closely resembles some of the look-at-my-life television programs that seem popular right now.

In many of the same ways, my encounters with my Appliances closely parallels television Life with the Kardashians, or with the scruffy-bearded hillbillies that still manufacture moonshine in the hills of the Appalachian mountains.

No, this Some One is much more special. She has come into my life quite unexpectedly, as surprises naturally do. We’ve come together so quickly that  now, six months later in our relationship, it seems that I do not have a “special” name for her.

First though, let me point out that there is an eerie parallel between how the English language joins words, and how people often join one another. The words “some” and “one” were at one point–a long time ago–stand-alone nouns. They were words that seemed unlikely to become, well, one word: Someone. Do you notice there how two quite common words made a nifty conversion from individual words to an Individual?

In much the same way, apparently, people come together. I now have a Someone in my life. Me and words. And a Someone. As you might expect from reading me, I would find some uniqueness in the apparent parallel that is currently unfolding around me. I now have a, well, a Some One. Someone.

This Someone and I began discussing exactly how I should refer to her in my weekly writings. She has been an interesting first here in this regard, because never before have I asked a Someone exactly how she would like to be referred to.

Were I to say: “I went to town with Someone the other day,” that just kind of seems to me to fall a bit flat. Hence the need for something more personal. More personal in the same way that I don’t call Lady Kenmore the Dryer merely The Dryer. She wouldn’t like that. Not as well as being addressed by her proper name, you see.

Lady Kenmore, I said to her the other day, how do you think I should refer to my new Someone? (Lady Kenmore being a female gives me a whole new angle on lots of things, being as she is a she.)

Lady Kenmore, after thinking about it for a day or two, said: “I think you should call her The Big Door Prize.” (I probably unnecessarily have to point out here that Lady is a big fan of the musician John Prine, who wrote a song about all this.)

The Big Door Prize? Hmmmm. That is interesting, I told her. (Saying stuff like “that is interesting” is something I learned from the Other Sex, something I’ve seen them do over the years. For example, they open a birthday present or some such thing, and it might be the most undesirable ugly unuseable gift ever given, but they will smile and say: “Interesting.” And do it in such a way that you feel they like it.

Perhaps then, after I went back upstairs and left Lady Kenmore to think about it some more, I should just ask Interesting what She would like to “be called.” (Another new English grouping coming here, and I invented it.”

Hey, Becalled, we all feel like we need a name for you. Any ideas?

Well, this is getting interesting. More next week.

(You’ll find more stuff that is interesting in my book, “The Prairie Spy–Who shot the dryer” on Amazon.)