Artwork by Chris Hahn

The Prairie Spy

Alan “Lindy” Linda

Last week, you got the news about someone new in my life, someone that, in the local community, has me and her together in what is to me a new group description: Item. As in: We’re now An Item. “Are you and he an item?” (Fortunately for me The Item answered yes.)

Questions to her came to her from where she at the time was working. They came in some variation of this form: “Well, are you and he now an item?” Kind of refreshing, actually, when voiced in that form. Nothing positive; nothing negative. No way you can attach a valence to the word “item.” 

But now. Now there has to be some way in which to refer to her. Obviously. One cannot just begin calling her Item, as in: “Hey, Item, let’s go to town.” or more likely: “The Item and I went to town.” My appliances have names. And my tractors. She needs one.

Finding a proper-yet-vague way of referring to her leads down the road to some other observations. Why do battleships and boats all get names? We can’t choose a name from something used  on a battleship, because they’re all named mostly after states: The Missouri; The Wisconsin; The Wyoming; etc. It wouldn’t do at all to say that The Minnesota and I went to town yesterday, now would it.

Maybe then a name from a smaller boat list. Let’s see. An immediate review on the Internet of some boat names produced some doozies. Here are just a few. Unsinkable. Liquid Assett. She Hates Me. Midlife Crisis. Full of Ship. Sick Day. Tax Refund. Unsinkable II. (Think about that one for a bit.) In a Meeting. And finally: She Got the House.

Well, none of those really work very well. So She and I got to brainstorming. I came up with the possibility of referring to her as Last Chance. Hmmmm. Kind of putting a bit of unseemly pressure on her. (And me.) Then the name The One popped up. The One and I went to town. Well, it’s on the list. 

Another name that has a lot of promise is The Big Door Prize. I really like that one.

The Big Door Prize and I went shopping. If that works, then maybe just Door Prize would also work. That’s on the list, for sure.

Hey, Sure Thing, let’s go to town. Hmmmm. That almost seems boat-ish, so it goes to the end of the list. How about something like a name used for a candy bar, like: Hey, Good Enough, let’s…..  Or, hey, Payday. No. They won’t work at all.

I kind of like naming her for something in how we’re getting together at this late-ish point in our lives: Deep End. Yes, it kind of feels to both of us as we discover how many things we have in common that we’re plunging off the deep end. Hmmmm. Deep End and I are going off the deep end. Only problem with that one is that it lacks any remote connection with romance.

I kind of like Rainbow. She’s quite colorful, being an artist. And although the word rainbow has some connections to current states of sexuality, that’s all pretty much lost on my generation.

Well, Rainbow is cooking up her special Deep End pancakes, could be they are The Big Door Prize. Supper is a Sure Thing, at least.